Modifié le : 2019/07/16

Last Thurs­day there was a cock­tail host­ed by my pub­lish­ing house. I arrived there thir­ty min­utes after the time pre­scribed for the invi­ta­tion. In the small premis­es of VLB/​Hexagone/​etc. were crowd­ed many peo­ple, obvi­ous­ly hav­ing drunk and eat­en. Dish­es con­tin­ued to cir­cu­late. It was hot.

After greet­ing my press sec­re­tary, who was too busy serv­ing peo­ple at the bar to real­ly linger on my lit­tle per­son, I slipped into one of the rooms that were occa­sion­al­ly open. Live­ly con­ver­sa­tions all around what I was, name­ly a silent pick­et, hold­ing in one hand his glass of wine and, in the oth­er, his quick­ly swal­lowed couch.

I hate these recep­tions because I don’t know any­one and since it is nat­u­ral­ly dif­fi­cult for me to take the first steps, I stay in my cor­ner, right like a butler.

A lady approached me, very kind­ly, by the way. We talked for five min­utes, then a friend arrived and the two locked them­selves in a play­ful con­ver­sa­tion to which I was not real­ly invit­ed. After thir­ty min­utes of a soli­tary walk, I left, long before the edi­tor’s speech. I was invis­i­ble when I arrived, I became total­ly invis­i­ble after my depar­ture, quite sad all the same.

Most of the time, peo­ple are sur­prised when they say I am anti­so­cial, that I have dif­fi­cul­ty mix­ing with peo­ple. If I’m giv­en a role at a par­ty, I’m com­plete­ly dif­fer­ent. Yet I lose my tem­per in an evening when I know no one, unable to hold on to a con­ver­sa­tion or an indi­vid­ual, too proud to approach oth­ers and face polite refusals. My case is not unique. The writer lady who approached me had a gift that I don’t have. She cer­tain­ly had a hard time with me. She asked me if I knew this or that writer, and I had to tell her that I was not an expert in lit­er­a­ture. What do you want to say to that ? I have many qual­i­ties and con­ver­sa­tions, but I also have the dis­ad­van­tage of always want­i­ng to talk about deep things, which both­ers many peo­ple, who are already strug­gling with the hot pota­to that is existence.

In these kinds of meet­ings, there are too many authors, egos, and I am very ill-equipped to strut my stuff.

Dur­ing my brief inspec­tion of the site, I saw large posters of the cov­ers of the most recent books pub­lished by VLB. Not mine, though. My book was not part of that hunt. I repeat, I am proud. My book had its lit­tle moment of glo­ry, but not enough to take pride of place in the lob­by. They can’t post every­thing either. That is not a prob­lem. I’m prob­a­bly the most invis­i­ble of the authors. I don’t get involved with them and, it must be said, I don’t think about writ­ing all the time. I rarely read oth­ers too. I have read a lot, but now my gaze lingers on a ray of sun­shine and I tend to shut my mouth.

For those who have acquired astro­log­i­cal knowl­edge, I could spec­i­fy that I am enter­ing a long Nep­tun­ian phase (Nep­tune square Mars, then con­junct Sun, these two “stars” being in square in the birth chart). A small def­i­n­i­tion is required :

Dur­ing this peri­od of time, you’ll face severe chal­lenges to your sense of iden­ti­ty and be com­pelled to find your true pur­pose in life. This will often cause con­fu­sion as you ques­tion the path you’ve been on, and you may feel dis­il­lu­sioned with the more mate­r­i­al side of your life. You want to expe­ri­ence more spir­i­tu­al sat­is­fac­tion in your work and may often feel defeat­ed by the harsh­ness of the mate­r­i­al world. But you may expe­ri­ence this time in a dif­fer­ent way. A new oppor­tu­ni­ty may sud­den­ly appear that seems to rep­re­sent the spir­i­tu­al qual­i­ties you’re now look­ing for, and you may feel com­pelled to pur­sue this new path, whether or not you’re real­ly pre­pared. While you have your eyes on the sky the ground beneath you will seem unsta­ble, and you may have more dif­fi­cul­ty han­dling your respon­si­bil­i­ties and com­mit­ments. Oth­er peo­ple may not under­stand your motives and ques­tion your deci­sions, but no one will be able to shake you from your ide­al­is­tic cloud. You may expe­ri­ence more loss and it will be very dif­fi­cult to build any con­crete struc­tures in your life. Resources seem to slip through your fin­gers and this is not the time to enter any busi­ness ven­ture that’s »too good to be true”, or one that involves deal­ing with ques­tion­able peo­ple. You’re less dis­crim­i­nat­ing now and more eas­i­ly fooled by glo­ri­fied promis­es and delu­sions of grandeur, and may even be tempt­ed to deceive oth­ers or mis­rep­re­sent your inten­tions. Your phys­i­cal ener­gy is extreme­ly low and you may expe­ri­ence fatigue or a lack of direc­tion and moti­va­tion. The pos­i­tive aspect of this time is that it will also enhance your sen­si­tiv­i­ty and com­pas­sion for oth­er peo­ple – just make sure you aren’t let­ting them take advan­tage of your good nature. If you can, it’s best to avoid mak­ing life-chang­ing deci­sions until after this cycle has passed, when you’ll see the real mean­ing of your life more clear­ly. (Source)

This text resem­bles the sun pho­tographed this morn­ing, trapped in its clouds and divid­ing the sky with liq­uid fea­tures. It seems to me that I am expe­ri­enc­ing exact­ly what astrologers pre­dict. Every­thing is with­er­ing away with­out it being dra­mat­ic. My life is fine, even if there are still great uncer­tain­ties about my real abil­i­ty to adjust to real­i­ty. I have no clear vision of what the future could be. When I try to sum it up, my vision becomes blurred as if my brain slow­ly dis­solves into these sick states that trans­form you back to a child, a baby, an embryo, then nothing.

But I always look at that glow on the edge of my win­dow. The sun is beau­ti­ful, big, today. Inside me, wide waves, some­times calm, some­times mon­strous, ele­vate my thoughts, my imag­i­na­tion. This Nep­tune, on my Sun, all the Pisces born on March 2, 1959 have it at the same time as me. I still feel the call. Where should I take my mind ? Which ship should I board ? What if fate took care of choos­ing my boat, forc­ing me to row in unknown waters ? What if my life end­ed like this ? In the calm hap­pi­ness of indif­fer­ence ? What if the big blur spreads in my blood, in my thoughts, in my neurons ?

We’ll see, that’s the thing I have to tell myself. The only one, actu­al­ly. I just have to keep walk­ing, watch­ing the sun dance with the shad­ows. Peace comes when you for­get yourself.

That’s what it means to be Zen, I hear. But what else ? I’m leav­ing in three weeks for Por­tu­gal, to meet a hand­some man. Finan­cial­ly speak­ing, it was not yet time. There have been delays in resolv­ing my finances (here, here, here, will the astrologers say). The sun is there right now. What will hap­pen to my heart ? I don’t fuck­ing know. I close my eyes because, in any case, at the moment, every­thing is a pas­sen­ger grey, a fog of inter­lock­ing traffic.